Do you find yourself going along with others "just because", blindly agreeing, (even if the perspective is low stakes!), struggling to reveal your authentic opinion or upholding your boundaries?
If you are nodding along, then you might be engaging in people-pleasing behaviours. The ability to acknowledge that truth is the first part of the healing journey.
What I have noticed about people-pleasing is it comes from a sincere place. There is something "safe" about such behaviours. First, I implore you, what is the feeling underneath the people-pleasing?
I have recognized in my work the behaviour itself is a coping strategy to manage underlying challenging feelings. And while there is a temporarily relief associated with people-pleasing, in the long run, frustration, annoyance and stress often linger.
Such discomfort arises because the nervous system will subsequently identify incongruence, lack of authenticity, cognitive dissonances, and internal conflict. That is normal and expected, as the nervous system knows when we are not being genuine (even if we try to fight it logically). People-pleasing demonstrates a teeter totter of feelings. It can be hard to break because the temporary relief can appear to outweigh the distress, but then it keeps happening, over, and over again.
I want you to think about the most recent time you may have engaged in people-pleasing. What feeling did you experience before you made that behavioural choices? Worry? Nervousness? Uneasiness?
If you resonate with some of these feelings, the next step is examining: why might I feel this way?
What is underneath the worry? For example:
It is safe for me to be honest?
How will they react if I say my own perspective?
Will they be upset with me?
Will I be judged if I am authentic?
People-pleasing frequently reveals a fear response. This behaviour is often developed to feel safe in relationships. The self has discovered there is something "bad" that happens when expressing opinions, self and boundaries.
There have been emotional wounds associated with self-expression.
Examples include: Being belittled, ridiculed, criticized or yelled at for sharing feelings, suggesting reasonable opinions, or disagreeing and asserting boundaries. Opinions, self-expressions or boundaries being minimized, dismissed or experiencing the silent treatment or passive aggressive responses to self-expression
Through such experiences the nervous system associates authentic expression with emotional unsafety. This emotional injury will thus flare during a variety of social interactions, as the nervous system has learned what happens (we are unsafe). Therefore people-pleasing is a developed coping strategy to feel secure. The behaviour will seemingly reduce harm and minimize hurt from others. Indeed, there is a perceived sense of control, as if the response is ‘ideal’ things will go well, and then there will be emotional safety.
As the people-pleasing strategy has developed from receiving repeated unhealthy responses, we are trying to control difficult people to be ‘nice’ to us- which is unsustainable. We cannot control how other people react, percieve or feel about us. We also might be missing opportunities to connect with healthy folks who actually want to experience the authenticity of others.
In the healing journey therapy helps navigating the nervous system wounds regarding interpersonal injuries. Therapy works to integrate repairs to the nervous system to support healthy authenticity.
This includes:
- Trauma therapy regarding interpersonal emotional harm
- Identifying healthy and unhealthy responses, and how to implement healthy responses (even when it is hard)
- Radical accountability regarding what is, and is (our choices) out of our control (the choices of others)
- Examining the ‘good enough’ (rather than perfectionism/fear of failure)
- Increasing the window of emotional tolerance when others encounter tough feelings (e.g upset or disappointment)
- Externalizing hurtful reactions from one’s worth and responsibility
- Developing assertive skills (learning how to set boundaries or say no in a healthy manner)
You can break free of people-pleasing behaviours with therapy emotional wounds can encounter repairs that allow for new choices to be made.
Let’s work together to create healthy patterns!
