Making a choice can be challenging, not even just logistic wise, feelings wise. We can look at a variety of options, assess the criteria, compare, and continue to encounter a ‘stuck’ feelings.
It is normal to feel unsure when encountering the decision-making process. It is also normal to evaluate characteristics, weighing the pros and cons when making a choice. It becomes a problem when the process frequently impacts general life satisfaction and functioning.
For example, do most choices (even minor ones) leave you ruminating and feeling unsure or worried disproportionately. You feel frozen in the chip aisle for minutes on end, just wanting to make the ‘right choice.’ You tend to ask others around you for their opinions, doubting your perspective. The constant lost feeling is frustrating.
Even after making the choice, you subsequently feel regretful, guilty, have intense self-doubt and overthink. For some folks this cycle tends to follow them, for the big and small decisions.
In my work with patients, I see this intense difficulty with decision making as a ‘wound of the nervous system.’ I have come to this conclusion as this process affects the ‘feelings’ part of us, where the intent is to make the ‘perfect’ choice, as if that occurs, then we won’t have to deal with the unpleasant feelings of: unsureness, fear, worry, stupid, stuck, regret, guilt, uneasiness and doubt etc.
While deconstructing this notion there tends to be a pattern of fear of failure, being wrong, being judged and struggling with self-compassion. There is this intense worry about making the "wrong" choice. This leaves folks in decision making paralysis-seemingly staring frozen for minutes or even hours at times.
What about if you were allowed to make the ‘good enough’ choice? What do you think that would be like? And with the ‘good enough’ choice, it is still possible to be let-down, disappointed, and perhaps you are allowed to experience that. I see ‘good enough’ as: we make the best choice we can with the circumstances we are in, and what we know at the time.
As time moves forward, we can learn new information, and we can make new decisions. Life keeps rolling. And sometimes we just don’t know, or we don’t have the knowledge, or we did not experience the situation to figure it out. At times we make the same choice several times to subsequently find the knowledge to click in a different decision. Humans and situations are nuanced. We do not live in the fantasy dream world of being able to read the future with the magical crystal ball.
While this information makes sense logically, our feelings do not always align. When the feelings part of us has been ruptured, it takes time to manage the repair work. I have noticed regarding folks that struggle with decision making there has been a history of:
- Experiencing frequent criticism/and or bullying
- Heard feedback like: “you should have/could have done..”
- Lack of emotional safety when encountering mistakes (e.g being yelled at, ridiculed)
- Lack of emotional attunement following mistakes, let-downs and disappointments
- Lack of support for authentic interests and expression of the self
- Household where parental figures were authoritative and strict
- Not much ‘feelings’ talk at home
- Dismissiveness, minimizing and emotional neglect
These settings reveal harmful behaviours that result in emotional injuries affecting confidence, self-esteem, and emotional regulation. In such situations intense feelings such as fear, worry, unsureness impedes making authentic choices and generating a window of tolerance for ‘mistakes,’ let-downs and disappointments.
To feel safe, one starts to look out to (authority) determine what choice is the best for them to make. Rarely are these situations collaborative in nature. The self learns their opinion are less credible, others know better, and things aren’t good when the outcome is not ideal (e.g there is reactivity, criticism,rejection). The nervous system is injured.
The first part of healing and making changes is understanding yourself. I implore you to reflect:
- How do I feel when I am in the decision-making process?
- Am I afraid to make the ‘wrong’ choice?
- What am I really afraid of? For example, failure, judgement, let-down, disappointment…etc.
- Growing up was I allowed to express my opinion safety?
- Growing up what responses did I see from others when I made mistakes or made the ‘wrong’ choice?
- Growing up could I express my opinions and receive support for navigating decision making in a collaborative manner
- Did my family include noticing feelings in discussions
The second part is learning how to connect and sooth the nervous system response during and after the decision-making process. This includes:
Validating the feelings- “I am allowed to feel unsure and worried when I do not know what the best choice is” If this has been a long standing emotional injury, it is important to validate that truth- “making choices has always been hard as I have always been scared of getting it wrong, and/or upsetting others”
Highlighting the reality of making choices- “we make the best choice we can with the circumstances we are in, and what we know at the time. As time moves forward, we can learn new information, and we can make new decisions”
Therapy provides the most optimal setting for recovery as when this aspect is worked through in session, feelings are actively experienced, and we integrate a new soothing response to pair with the feelings. With consistency regarding noticing and actively soothing the emotional repair, decision making can become less debilitating and scary.
The window of tolerance regarding possible downs and disappointment expands. Self-compassion enhances and accountability increased. As life is full of decision making, navigating this challenge can significantly support wellness.
