Difficulty coping with ‘tough feelings’ is frequently revealed in therapy. And some of these feelings can be described as sadness, shame, anger, worry, and unsureness to name a few. Such emotions can feel intense, and when internalized can affect deeper rooted belief and thinking patterns.
First let’s notice the origins of feelings:
Feelings are short term physiological expresses that provide information about ourselves and the environment. Feelings provide us knowledge about our settings, which we can then choose to subsequently facilitate choices and behaviours.
This component of being human has been critical to survival. Reflect on how our caveman ancestors felt worried when seeing an active threat (and they chose to run away), angry for being treated poorly (chose to stand up for themselves), guilty when making a hurtful
choice (chose to learn and make healthier decisions). The significance here is the ability to notice feelings and then navigate choices.
Now, it is important to clarify feelings are not actions nor behaviours, they are a state of being internally. Being able to notice feelings can give us information, and then with that knowledge we can decide to make a choice out of many possibilities!
For example, anger is not ‘yelling or throwing items.’ Anger is a feeling, while yelling is a subsequent choice. It can hard to notice the difference when feelings and certain choices have been so heavily intertwined.
Navigating this can be challenging when we are taught our feelings are not important. When feelings are dismissed, minimized or invalidated, this creates intense confusion and results in a disconnect of our person. Being told not to trust a main component of existing contributes to internal conflict and maladaptive belief patterns.
Here are some examples of harmful responses towards feelings:
“You’re fine, don’t worry about it”
“Snap out of it”
“It’s not a big deal”
“you don’t need to feel insert feeling”
“That is stupid you feel that way”
Subsequent belief/thought patterns that can form when feelings are dismissed and deeply internalized:
I am bad because I feel _______ when I shouldn’t
I don’t matter
My needs are not important
My feelings are less important than others
I’m not good enough
These responses are hurtful and do not support the acceptance to live and experience feelings. Unfortunately, we usually learn such responses from adults, parental and important figures in our life. It can be difficult to dismantle core learnings when they were from important people in our lives.
Individuals are allowed to experience painful feelings and continue to live life. However, when we are not supported to experience both, we want to avoid the ‘bad’ feelings, and yearn to avoid the situations that would manifest the ‘bad’ feelings. This avoidance injures confidence and authenticity. The more we are connected to ourselves, the more we are able to accept feelings, and thus navigate healthy choices.
As my therapeutic approach supports deep healing, I offer a lens of noticing how our origins have impacted us. When we process that hurt, we can then evolve our story and make new choices.
I implore you to reflect:
What was it like when you expressed tough feelings growing up?
Were you comforted when you expressed yourself?
Can you list 5 feelings?
Is it easy or hard to notice your feelings?
Were your feelings validated and heard?
Could you express yourself and still feel safe?
Do you continue to respond similar as your child self about feelings?
To support repair injuries, it is our job as adults to be responsible for our care and wellness. We are talking about the ability to re-parent and apply attunement to our own feelings. Remember, validating and accepting feelings does not influence avoidance, rather, supports intrinsic validation and resilience. The more we can live with the tough feelings, the more we generate an expanded window of tolerance and make choices
that support our authenticity.
Repairing the relationship with feelings:
Start noticing how your feelings reveal. Is it in your head or is it in your body? Do the various feelings manifest differently? What are these feelings really saying about this situation or perception?
Allow yourself the permission:
“I am allowed to feel ___________”
“This is a normal and expected feeling in my situation”
“I will feel ___________ and will just do the best I can”
“Feelings do not determine the outcome”
Try this yourself, what is it like to validate your feelings and continue to make choices that support your wellness?
It may take time as for many folks repressing and dismissing feelings has been so habitual that even noticing feelings can be challenging. Having the confidence to trust our feelings will be a significant change. Give yourself the permission to learn as no important skill was easily built overnight.
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